Thursday, 20 May 2010

Hello All You Silly Sausages! Silly Sad!


Happy Friday!   PARF...... OOOOh Pardon me!  Sorry, I am feeling a bit silly this week, more than usual, so its one big silly fest here!  

 One of my stitcheries

No! I am not sorry actually... being silly is extremely good for the soul. Nothing makes me feel better than to have a mad half hour or two. I adore laughing and can be rendered completely helpless by just hearing someone else laughing, even if I don't know what they are laughing at.  I am perhaps a slightly split personality kind of character, as like all things in life, everything has a dark side and a light side. For all of my silly side that is, there is  also a very serious thinking side too. Sometimes I can get utterly lost in deep thoughts and examine everything in minute detail. Life to me is indeed a tragi-comedy, and so I seem to have the sometimes unfortunate ability to see both at once! 

  Ralphus Le Puff Mac Duff, being very silly indeed donning a hoodie!

Have you ever been truly crying and truly laughing at the same time. A slightly alarming feeling, but strangely illuminating too! To see the humour in a dark situation I feel is a blessing. To me it is anway. I had such an experience whilst in hospital just after having my masectomy. I had woken up in such pain which was radiating all through my body. there didn't seem to be one bit of me that wasn't left out! Also, I was desperate for a wee, but I couldn't seem to get up. Me being me, I didn't want to disturb a nurse, so eventually, I decided I had 3 choices... 1,  force myself to get up and know it was going to be agony,  2, wet the bed,  3 ring for a nurse, get some more pain killers, wait for the painkillers to work , and still wet the bed!   So I chose 1, and struggling I made it to the bathroom. At that moment in time I was feeling very sorry for myself. No sorry isn't the correct description, it doesn't even come close, I was is the darkest despair I had ever encountered. I had had many problems in my life leading up to that moment, and that was franlkly this was the  last straw, I was in the darkest dark night of the soul.  I was crying, no not crying.. weeping, sobbing.

 Ahhh, yes, I looked just like Robert Smith from the Cure, One of my all time favourites! I love Robert Smith!

 No, actually, probably more like this. Alice Cooper, I love him, very warped lyrics... I can't help it... I love them and him!  I also love classical music..go figure! Then again I love all music.. why? Because I am greedy thats why!

I lifted my head and spotted this strange creature in the mirror, wild and unkempt, face so pale the creature looked as if it had been buried for 6 weeks and dug up again! Red eyes, staring back at me, it's hair was so wild and was sticking up in the air like the scene from Something About Mary.  
 For a second everything was suspended in time, as still weeping I told my reflection in the mirror " you ARE pathetic!" . Next thing I knew I was shaking with laughter and weeping all at the same time, I could see the irony, the absolute funny side of the whole hideous affair!  Oh how the mighty have fallen I thought to myself! You would really have to know what else was going on in my life at the time of my diagnosis to truly understand how far I had fallen. But I'm not telling... Na Na, Na Na NA! 

 Yes just like that, but not that pretty! 

Isn't humour, after all, a way of trying to make sense of the world, helping us to see the other side of the coin, helping us to cope with the not so happy parts of life which we all face in life. Gawd knows there are enough tears, so certainly we should welcome laughter with out stretched arms whenever we get the chance! So, I do do!  I find that humour can appear in our darkest moments and we shouldn't be ashamed or frightened of it, it comes only as an aid to soften the situation and to bring understanding, strength of spirit, tolerance and humility.  It helps us to cope, and sometimes even to fight back with passion.   Humour is the reflection of sadness, I believe it is all connected. It is the other side of the coin.

Sometimes things just don't make any sense at all, but if you study it all hard and long enough, really give it all your full attention you can often,  if not always, see the funny side! 

This gate doesn't make any sense at all! Please keep this gate shut at all times! I laugh everytime I walk past it! No wonder I get odd looks around here. Walking on my own laughing at gates!

In those first few years of trying to come to terms with it all, I used to get very depressed sometimes, and actually used to say to George that I felt that I could cry and cry and never be done with it. It was a deep and sorrowful mourning, but it was tangled up with twenty odd years (No!, make that 30!) of other sorrows, that all seemed to be coming flooding back to the surface demanding for me to face them. Don't believe for one minute, that if you ignore/bury your feelings that they go away... They don't! They will come back out one way or another!  My buried and ignored emotions, hurts, etc. marched right in and sat down facing me full on and demanded some much needed attention. They had escaped  in a weak moment, when my strength was low, and my door was wide open.  The flood gates had literally opened! So I reflected daily during the long months I sat undergoing the chemotherapy....

 A drawing of mine, how I felt at the time!

If I needed to cry.. I finally gave my self permission, instead of thinking that it is my job in life to keep going and look cheerful! I cryed buckets and buckets. Totally indulgent!  How can that many tears come out of one person, have I got a damn ocean in there?! I came to the conclusion that keeping things bottled up was useless and probably the reason I was sat there in that state, with only one boob!  Of course, when I got so deep in the mire that I didn't even want to get out of bed, or go outside, I knew it was time to give myself a large kick up the....So I developed a technique.... I would force myself ( very hard some days!) to stand up and wave my arms wildly around in the air. Well actually one arm wildly, I couldn't move the other one much due to my lacerated armpit!  I defy anyone not to start to at least smile at how silly they look! The first time I tryed it, I cryed laughing. George! This works! Poor George, he used to have to put up with my silly cheer myself up routine quite often! I gave myself a nick-name.... Juanita Juan-tit .... to call myself when I got too serious about it all. Hey Juan-tit, get up, pull yourself together,  and go wave those arms, err that arm! He he!

I think that what I am trying to say here, is that I just refuse point blank to lose my humour, and spend nearly everyday, polishing it, crafting it, and displaying it with love! When life throws S**t, humour is always hiding in the corner somewhere! It just needs spotting.  Humour is the child within.

One of my favourite songs! Tis wonderful sung by the great Judy Garland!

Before I trot off to my vegetable patch,  I have another thank you! Thank you Jaqueline for this lovely, lovely  tag and ever so cute fairyland stickers!  They certainly are gorgeous and in your wonderful words Jaqueline... groovey! , and how kind is this magical lady, who you can visit here, this is the nicest surprise Jacqueline!  The inside of the envelope had polka dots!  I shall go a merry sticker stickering!

Go forth and giggle, it is our duty to spread mirth! Ta ta old beans (hey less of the old!) Sorry for waffling again, I just can't seem to say anything in one sentence! I will try harder next week. Short post, short post......
But then I  do only post once a week.. I don't say boo or a moo all week and then I get on here and I just can't a shuta me trap!

Much love Suzie xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx