Wednesday, 9 September 2009

Nah, what's up Doc???

Hello again!

Before I go on to this weeks ramblings, I must again say a big thank you to all of you who take the time to leave comments. When I read others blog posts, which I try to do regularly, I can see how busy everyone is I have been overwhelmed by the amount of comments, and the kindness and thoughtfulness that they contain! You will be pleased to hear George had a lovely birthday, we had red snapper wrapped in bacon with herbs from the garden and freshly dug potatoes. i t was yummy! Thank you to all of you who wished him a happy birthday!

My post today touches on a very personal matter, and I spent some time pondering whether or not to write about such a very hard journey in my life! As my regular readers will know, I like to keep my posts on the light hearted side. I really don't want people leaving my blog with a heavy heart and a big frown! But it is part of my life, and one which I should not pretend has not happened.

However, as it all happened 5 years ago, and I can actually laugh about it now. When recently, I wrote that sometimes I can look in the mirror and laugh at what life and age have done to me, I really meant it! I can actually cry laughing! So believe it or not, this is not a sad post, it is more of a philosophical one, I hope!

The other day, I needed to go to the doctors.

Sourced from the Internet, Ladybird. If only it was all this jolly!

Nothing to worry about at all. I just needed to get myself back on list for mammograms and check ups. My husband has medical insurance from work, and if you use it like I did, you only get cover for five years. So, I rang up the surgery on Monday morning, and asked for an appointment. I decided to explain why I needed the appointment, as I thought (foolishly) that maybe I wouldn't have to go in at all, surely it could just be done over the phone? No, said the rather abrupt receptionist at the other end of the phone, you have to see the doctor. Oh, ok, I replied, could I make an appointment then? No, she added,you will have to ring on Wednesday between 8 and 8.30am to make an appointment for the same day. Ok! Wednesday arrived ( this is Friday, even though date will say something else, I put the photos on on that day), and I rang and got an appointment for 10.50. When I got to the Docs, I sat waiting, and waiting, in the reception, when I spotted a poster which told you, if you need a chaperone, ask at the desk. This amused me, I thought about the film Miss Potter, which I have on DVD. Beatrix potter has a chaperone stalking her in every scene almost!

The stalking chaperone dressed in black, quietly following behind!

So.......I had this image in my head, that the Docs must have a room full of chaperones, just like the one in the film!!! This nearly brought on a fit of giggles, which I am prone to get, quite often. I had to really control myself as I was sat on my own and when I get a giggle attack, I really find it hard to stop!

Luckily, I was so nervous I could block the giggling abdabs before they even started. I never liked going to the Doctors before the last 5 years of tests, operations and treatments, but now I seem to have developed a very strong aversion to it all! I was sat there questioning how I could be nervous, when nothing was going to happen. It was ridiculous! I told myself off, but it was no use, I just could not conquer my own fears. That is something I am still working on.... trying to live without fear. The trouble is that my illness (Breast cancer) set off a fear in me that seems to be well rooted in. When I was diagnosed, people remarked on how brave I was. Well I suppose, if you regard bravery as not caving in and taking it on the chin, well yes then, I was brave. But what people couldn't see, because I didn't show it, was that I was terrified!!! Inside my head, I had entered some kind of hellish place. I suppose it hadn't helped that my Mum had died of cancer 5 years before, and my Dad from cancer too, 5 years before that. And suddenly I felt like a small child who needed my Mum, but she wasn't there. I needed the cosy comforts that my Mum would have given, like a lovely pot of tea and cake! When ever I had to go to the Docs or the dentist when I was little, my Mum always used to treat me to this, or licorice ( I was going to take a picture of some yummy licorice, but I ate it! Oooops!)

When you get ill suddenly, with a potentially fatal disease, it can make you just want to curl up in a ball. Everyone is different in the way they will handle it, but I personally, spent my time recuperating from my operations and chemotherapy, as a time to reflect on life and to make sense of at all. For me, it was as if I had been thrown out of my old life into somewhere strange and alien. All I wanted, was to go back to how it was before, and for some time I could simply not accept what had happened to me. My mind just wasn't having it at all. It was similar to that feeling you get when someone dies, everything has changed and it will never be the same, and you just can't grasp it all. I was in a dark place for a while, and then bit by bit, like a beautiful butterfly emerging into the sunlight, I started to realise that even in such a traumatic time, wrapped up in amongst the sorrow and pain, is a gift. A really wonderful gift, a blessing! I could taste it, it was real, I can't put my finger on it or explain it, but on some deep level , I knew I had received something precious, and for what I had lost (my left boob, my figure and most of my hair!!!) I had somehow gained so much more. Everything was so concentrated, the sun was brighter, the grass was greener, the sky was bluer. I took the time to really appreciate this wonderful earth that we are blessed to have and love. I thought I had always appreciated everything, but I couldn't believe how much more I could 'see', it was as if my eyes were wide open! You know that feeling when you have the flu, or you wake up from a nightmare, and it feels soooo good to be back. Everything feels new and wonderful, well I started to have that lovely feeling , but all the time!
Like a new sunrise.

I did this stitchery with applique when my new sunrise started to be born!
It reads: Stormy sea and darkened skies...yet here it comes, a new sunrise.

Now though back to the Docs! When I finally got into see the Doctor, I sat down and she asked me what she could do for me. I told her why I was there, thinking that obviously, as I had to make an appointment, there would perhaps be a check up, or maybe some questions. NO!!! She said , yes , we can do that for you, I will put you back on the screening program. Goodbye. Why did I need to go there to be told what I could have been told on the phone?!

Well I hope this post has been uplifting and not at all maudlin, I wouldn't want it to be sad, as I like to make people smile. So, I thought I would share this video with you all. Because I have had to face my mortality full on, I did spend some time preparing myself , just in case! The fear that I have to try to conquer is that my cancer may come back, and I will kick the proverbial tin bucket! Anyhow, when I was in between my dark days and my hey, I'm back and loving it days (now), in the I haven't got a clue what will happen but I may as well have a laugh about it and get on with it days. I decided that at my funeral I would have some deep and meaningful songs and words, but right at the end, as I departed and people were feeling sad (or not!) I would leave the way I like to live, and give everyone a good laugh. The song is about leaving, but mainly about being insane! People who know me would definitely see it as appropriate! Enjoy it! Its great.
Thank you all of you who are still reading, I hope I haven't bored you!

Until next week, I wish you all lots of love and happiness!

Suzie. xxx :)

Dr. Demento - They're coming to take me away, ha ha , hee hee, ha ha